Day 6 - Grieving what ISN'T, Adjusting to what IS...

Grieve what isn't, Adjust to what is. I can still hear Jill Savage speaking those words a few short months ago at the National Hearts@Home conference. I knew they were important words and I not only wrote them on paper but I put them in my phone notes as well. Grieve what isn't, Adjust to what is. Her journey is different than ours but I have repeated those words in my head over and over. I'm still repeating them. When a friend was going through a difficult time I shared those words with her. There is so much power in them. Grieve what isn't, Adjust to what is. I do pretty well at adjusting, but I stink at the grieving part. If you're still praying for us will you pray that I fully grieve this before adjusting? My heart NEEDS to fully go through the grief process. Tony did indeed stay home this morning until we got "the call". I intended for him to answer the phone but he insisted it was "my" phone. I put my big girl panties on and answered it, got the news and a bit of info, then promptly handed it over as I was crying to much to talk. He is great at not letting emotions get the best of him and could discuss our options for the future. I am glad it was our favorite IVF nurse giving us the news, I really don't think I could have answered the phone if I hadn't known it was her on the other end. I am beyond BLESSED that Tony was home and could have the conversation with her that needed to be had. They would like us to come in for a consult and discuss further options. At some point in the future I may see the value but for now I have no interest. I felt like this would be the end of this part of our family expansion journey but Tony has advised otherwise. He says whenever I am ready to go back to work we can put my salary in the bank to "try again"....funny isn't he?!?!?! Although he was serious he was trying to lighten the mood and I'm thankful for his ability to do so. Emotions have come in waves still today but more like the kiddie roller coaster than the Ninja (that is a coaster isn't it?) Life will go on, our hearts will heal. I don't know what our next step will be and although he was willing and ready to discuss it this morning, I just couldn't. In time I think it will be clearer. On a seperate note, I started this blog to share family activities and DIY projects and did a poor job at it. Now that I've gotten more comfortable with it's format and using it more regularly I may try to do some occassional blogging. I'm terrible at keeping a journal, but feel this might be a good alternative. For now I'm off to enjoy the one little MIRACLE we've been blessed with! :)

Day 5

Today we expected another embryo report. The news although expected and not horrible was not what we wanted to hear. Final confirmation will be made tomorrow and while things could change overnight, I'm doubtful that they will. It looks like we will have no embryo's to freeze. I have gone from sad, to angry, to sad, to numb, to sad, and then to my current state of just trying to get through until morning and we have confirmation. It was comforting to know that my husband was also angry about parts of this journey, I will not share the angry parts at this point. I'm sure some of you are thinking "You've waited two years for this opportunity, surely you can hold out hope for a few more hours." Honestly my hope is gone, in this regard. I have watched several friends in this position and should have expected it but I've always had the "It'll be different for us" attitude. To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement. No we aren't sure where we go from here. Yes life will go on and our hearts will heal. Yes things happen for a reason, adoption is always an option, it's not the end of the world....etc, if you feel the need to remind us of one of these please be silent and offer a prayer for us instead. :) NONE of those comments makes this any easier, I get that you may not know what to say and those seem comforting to you, but a prayer would be much more comforting to us. Tony is staying home with me in the morning until we get "the call". I really can't write any more tonight, putting all of these emotions into words is too difficult. Thanks for following along, sending good thoughts our way and for the prayers, all are appreciated.

The morning after Trigger

I woke up crazy nauseous this morning. Not surprising as at 12:30 this morning I injected 10,000 units of HCG into my body, yes I got it into my deltoid all by myself. It was liberating. If I would take a HPT (home pregnancy test) right now I would show pregnant but who wants to see waste one on a false positive?!?! Those things are expensive! I probably will re-research which ones detect the least amount of HCG and purchase a couple IF we get to transfer. I did 7 with B and still didn't know I was actually seeing a positive. :) I didn't know at that time that a line no matter how faint is still a line. Regardless of what the tests show I don't get upset or excited until I have official confirmation from the clinic. But the 2ww (2 week wait) is torturous (sp?), anyone going through this will agree! The 5 days between retrieval and transfer can keep you on the edge of your seat waiting to see how many embryo's make it but nothing compared to the dreaded 2ww. The 24 hours after retrieval are nerve wracking, you know right away how many eggs they retrieved but you have to wait 24 hours or so to see how many were mature, how many fertilized...etc. and then in the days following you wait for the day 3 report and then the day 5 report. Generally I lose a lot of embryo's in those 5 days. Usually if you are having a transfer it will be on day 5 and then typically I think beta's (blood tests to see if you are pregnant) are on day 8 and day 10 after transfer, at least that's what I remember from the past. My Estrogen level is crazy high, which is part of the reason they went ahead and had me trigger, it wasn't all just because of the crazy high follie count. I had chicken broth first thing this morning, a full bottle of Gatorade, more chicken broth and then treated myself to a homemade chai tea "latte" made with coconut cream instead of dairy and I still need to go push more fluids! Yesterday the Gatorade made my tongue feel raw so this morning I did a little research on diuretic foods but think it best if I just stay on Dr approved methods. I'm dreading more Gatorade today but know it's a necessary evil! Cheers to Cherry and Chicken broth, I suppose! I may or may not update tomorrow after my retrieval depending on how I feel after the anesthesia. In the past I have spent the week after retrieval "heavily for me" sedated, praying that is not the case this time but only time will tell. I'll update as soon as I'm up to it. I typed this post this morning so I've updated parts and I feel pretty confident saying while I feel full/bloated, and I do have some pain and my breasts are SUPER sore I definitely have not reached the miserable point that I usually feel by now!! I'm so thankful to not be feeling that way yet!! Thanks for your continued prayers!!