For real

I have a friend who occasionally does "For Real" days on her blog. When I awoke this morning I knew I was going to blog today. There has been something on my heart that isn't going away and I need to get it out there, unfortunately you're still going to have to wait because as my day has gone on it has taken a turn. More often than not I have good blog posts and then I never get around to sharing but today, today is different. I'm not going to share what I had intended, instead I'm going to share some "For Reals". I started my morning with a devotional, I stay on task with this for awhile and then I get off track, but for today at least I made the train. :) A friend suggested the book Jesus Calling at our first MOPS meeting and there was an app for that so that's what I'm reading right now. My emotional state has been FRAGILE to say the least since the end of our cycle. My emotions are crazy and even I am unprepared for them, so my hubby, well there is no way he can be prepared. I don't expect him to be. Typically in most situations I have become good at just completely shutting down so as not to show just how completely upset/sad/angry/emotionsIcan'tputintowords, whatever that I am. I am sure that most people think "What is her problem." but it's just how I am coping at this point. Anyway this morning something was said that would not ordinarily upset me but today the water works started and I had a hard time getting a grip. This was not a great start to the day and if it was any indication of what was ahead, I was not looking forward to the day. This was before 6:45 a.m. mind you. B woke up about 7 and insisted he wasn't going to Preschool today. Ummm yeah well this is only the 3rd or so week and mommy needed mommy time so he WAS going. I like to leave the house at 7:30 as drop off is 7:45-7:55, at 7:46 I was still dressing him. On the way to school I took a deep breath, it's preschool it's not the end of the world, yes we were a few minutes late but no one was harmed, no harsh tones were used, it WOULD be ok! I saw a friend on the way to school and waved really big, thinking to myself wow she has dropped off her kids and is heading to work, she has it all together. I've been up since 5:30, why am I STILL running late? Just as I pulled into the parking lot, said friend pulled in beside me. I didn't think much of it and waved again (I still don't know a lot of people in this town so I get REALLY excited when I see someone I do know.). I said something like "I'm glad we aren't the only ones running late today." She jumped out of her van (yes we're minivan moms) and said something about being in her jammies, and having to fill out tardy slips because the kids are older. I could tell her spirit was down. I should have waited around and prayed with her but instead I dropped my kiddo off and was on my way. Feeling guilty for not sticking around to encourage her I came home and prayed for her instead. You see I got to see a "For Real" side of her, that was SOOO encouraging to me! I have only ever seen the completely put together side of her and it was refreshing and encouraging to see another mom not having it all together. So friend THANK YOU for the "For Real" moment today. ;-) As I was picking B up, another mom was fretting about whether or not she was suppose to bring treats for her sons class during the testing they were doing. Again another mom who I perceive to have it together. I felt like God was saying see it's ok. Later on I wondered how many people only see my "together" side? A friend and I were talking and I said my house was trashed, totally neglected while we've been getting ready for a huge 10 day craft show. She said "Your house is awesome!" I sent pics to her when we got home just so she could see my "For Real" side. I totally don't have it all together and for any friends who have that impression, I want to encourage you to take a breath and realize we're all human, it's ok to not have it all together every.single.day! :). Don't let comparison steal your joy! This saying was on my heart as I thought about how I perceive these other mommas, comparing myself and beating myself up for "not having it all together". Tonight as I lay down, I'm vowing to my family and myself tomorrow I will not let comparison steal my joy! P.S. Here is one "for real" pic from today...

Day 6 - Grieving what ISN'T, Adjusting to what IS...

Grieve what isn't, Adjust to what is. I can still hear Jill Savage speaking those words a few short months ago at the National Hearts@Home conference. I knew they were important words and I not only wrote them on paper but I put them in my phone notes as well. Grieve what isn't, Adjust to what is. Her journey is different than ours but I have repeated those words in my head over and over. I'm still repeating them. When a friend was going through a difficult time I shared those words with her. There is so much power in them. Grieve what isn't, Adjust to what is. I do pretty well at adjusting, but I stink at the grieving part. If you're still praying for us will you pray that I fully grieve this before adjusting? My heart NEEDS to fully go through the grief process. Tony did indeed stay home this morning until we got "the call". I intended for him to answer the phone but he insisted it was "my" phone. I put my big girl panties on and answered it, got the news and a bit of info, then promptly handed it over as I was crying to much to talk. He is great at not letting emotions get the best of him and could discuss our options for the future. I am glad it was our favorite IVF nurse giving us the news, I really don't think I could have answered the phone if I hadn't known it was her on the other end. I am beyond BLESSED that Tony was home and could have the conversation with her that needed to be had. They would like us to come in for a consult and discuss further options. At some point in the future I may see the value but for now I have no interest. I felt like this would be the end of this part of our family expansion journey but Tony has advised otherwise. He says whenever I am ready to go back to work we can put my salary in the bank to "try again"....funny isn't he?!?!?! Although he was serious he was trying to lighten the mood and I'm thankful for his ability to do so. Emotions have come in waves still today but more like the kiddie roller coaster than the Ninja (that is a coaster isn't it?) Life will go on, our hearts will heal. I don't know what our next step will be and although he was willing and ready to discuss it this morning, I just couldn't. In time I think it will be clearer. On a seperate note, I started this blog to share family activities and DIY projects and did a poor job at it. Now that I've gotten more comfortable with it's format and using it more regularly I may try to do some occassional blogging. I'm terrible at keeping a journal, but feel this might be a good alternative. For now I'm off to enjoy the one little MIRACLE we've been blessed with! :)

Day 5

Today we expected another embryo report. The news although expected and not horrible was not what we wanted to hear. Final confirmation will be made tomorrow and while things could change overnight, I'm doubtful that they will. It looks like we will have no embryo's to freeze. I have gone from sad, to angry, to sad, to numb, to sad, and then to my current state of just trying to get through until morning and we have confirmation. It was comforting to know that my husband was also angry about parts of this journey, I will not share the angry parts at this point. I'm sure some of you are thinking "You've waited two years for this opportunity, surely you can hold out hope for a few more hours." Honestly my hope is gone, in this regard. I have watched several friends in this position and should have expected it but I've always had the "It'll be different for us" attitude. To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement. No we aren't sure where we go from here. Yes life will go on and our hearts will heal. Yes things happen for a reason, adoption is always an option, it's not the end of the world....etc, if you feel the need to remind us of one of these please be silent and offer a prayer for us instead. :) NONE of those comments makes this any easier, I get that you may not know what to say and those seem comforting to you, but a prayer would be much more comforting to us. Tony is staying home with me in the morning until we get "the call". I really can't write any more tonight, putting all of these emotions into words is too difficult. Thanks for following along, sending good thoughts our way and for the prayers, all are appreciated.

Day 3

So sorry for the lack of posting! I've spent the majority of my time resting and sleeping. I am still somewhat sore and this morning I'm a little nauseous. Like I barely got a bagel down and I'm still not sure it's staying there. I've lost 3 lbs since we got home which is great. Definitely need to get the extra fluid out. Still drinking Gatorade and Chicken broth. Since I've never had a normal fresh cycle I have no idea if this is how most girls are feeling right now or if I'm mildly hyperstimmed. Honestly I don't think I've ever felt this good after a fresh cycle, really excited for a check to see what's going on in there! No doubt I'm sore but I think with retrieving 40 eggs that was to be expected, I'd imagine my ovaries are a little irritated and inflamed. Today is day 3 and if they do a transfer it would be on day 5 or 6, since I'm writing this in the morning and will update after I get stats on our embies I technically have 2 1/2 days to get the extra fluid out. I truly believe your prayers are helping so please keep them coming! Yesterday I was feeling particularly uncomfortable, I did the only thing I knew to do which was to pray and within a few minutes I was excreting liquid like a sieve. So back to the hyperstimming, I've definitely been severe and I would imagine I may have been moderate but I've never been "mild". Have I mentioned how AWESOME this Dr is? Seriously I love her!! Knowing our past history I was reluctant to trust her, but she truly has made a difference!! I would highly recommend her to any and everyone. Her bedside manor is second to none, she was patient, she explained things in terms we could understand, she was honest and up front, she is AMAZING!! I was reluctant to start with a new Dr on our last covered cycle but I'm so glad we did! So for those only reading the blog and not following on Facebook, we had 40 eggs retrieved, 20 were mature, 13 fertilized normally and 4 were being watched - they weren't good but weren't bad either. UPDATE: So I just spoke to our nurse for a Day 3 report and a transfer is not going to happen, apparently there is fluid in my lining which isn't good and if we were to transfer the hyperstimming would only get worse. Disappointing news for sure but I trust our Dr & staff. On a positive note our embies are growing nicely. We want them to be 6-10 cells at this point, Grade 1 means they have no fragmentation and Grade 2 means they are fragmented but there really isn't any difference in the success rates of these two. Our Embies - we don't know the gender the he/she/it is just hypothetical... (2) 11 cell grade 2 - these guys are growing a little quick but not too bad at this point (2) 4 cell gr 2 - these guys are a little slow but will still be watched (1) 6 cell grade 2 - this one is right where we want it (3) 7 cell grade 2 - these are good (1) 8 cell grade 1 and (3) 8 cell grade 2 - these are all good (1) 9 cell grade 2 - this one is good too! So 13 at this point is still really good, but the next 48 hours is where the "seperation" occurs. By day 5 we will probably have significantly fewer. And it's pretty certain all embryo's that are left will be frozen. While disappointing I have to remind myself that B was a day 5 frozen blast. So much emotion goes into these cycles and it's not going as "planned" so it feels like another loss. Yes in August we can probably do a FET, but for 2 more months I'm stuck in this limbo that feels like it will never end. I've been in this limbo for 2 years while we got moved and settled and I'm thankful that we weren't trying to do all of that while I was pregnant or with a new baby but it still sucks! Our Dr was completely honest and told us after retrieval before we left that she had no intention of transferring right now, but I still held on to hope that things would change and my body would be ok with a transfer. Feeling much better this time also gave me a false hope. This journey is such a roller coaster, today it begins its descent. P.S. even though this isn't going as planned I still don't regret our decision to use a different Dr. I still have the utmost respect for her and her treatment plan for us. P.P.S. Yes I know God's timing isn't always ours, there will be better days ahead, things will be ok, I get that but it's still disappointing. Remember that nursery that was being planned? The plans that needed to be put on hold until we knew if we were pregnant? All of the things that were waiting to see how this went? Well they are also put on hold for 2-3 more months. Do I regret putting everything I have into this cycle? ABSOLUTELY not. Will I probably cry for a couple days? Yep, it's part of the process, just how I roll.

The morning after Trigger

I woke up crazy nauseous this morning. Not surprising as at 12:30 this morning I injected 10,000 units of HCG into my body, yes I got it into my deltoid all by myself. It was liberating. If I would take a HPT (home pregnancy test) right now I would show pregnant but who wants to see waste one on a false positive?!?! Those things are expensive! I probably will re-research which ones detect the least amount of HCG and purchase a couple IF we get to transfer. I did 7 with B and still didn't know I was actually seeing a positive. :) I didn't know at that time that a line no matter how faint is still a line. Regardless of what the tests show I don't get upset or excited until I have official confirmation from the clinic. But the 2ww (2 week wait) is torturous (sp?), anyone going through this will agree! The 5 days between retrieval and transfer can keep you on the edge of your seat waiting to see how many embryo's make it but nothing compared to the dreaded 2ww. The 24 hours after retrieval are nerve wracking, you know right away how many eggs they retrieved but you have to wait 24 hours or so to see how many were mature, how many fertilized...etc. and then in the days following you wait for the day 3 report and then the day 5 report. Generally I lose a lot of embryo's in those 5 days. Usually if you are having a transfer it will be on day 5 and then typically I think beta's (blood tests to see if you are pregnant) are on day 8 and day 10 after transfer, at least that's what I remember from the past. My Estrogen level is crazy high, which is part of the reason they went ahead and had me trigger, it wasn't all just because of the crazy high follie count. I had chicken broth first thing this morning, a full bottle of Gatorade, more chicken broth and then treated myself to a homemade chai tea "latte" made with coconut cream instead of dairy and I still need to go push more fluids! Yesterday the Gatorade made my tongue feel raw so this morning I did a little research on diuretic foods but think it best if I just stay on Dr approved methods. I'm dreading more Gatorade today but know it's a necessary evil! Cheers to Cherry and Chicken broth, I suppose! I may or may not update tomorrow after my retrieval depending on how I feel after the anesthesia. In the past I have spent the week after retrieval "heavily for me" sedated, praying that is not the case this time but only time will tell. I'll update as soon as I'm up to it. I typed this post this morning so I've updated parts and I feel pretty confident saying while I feel full/bloated, and I do have some pain and my breasts are SUPER sore I definitely have not reached the miserable point that I usually feel by now!! I'm so thankful to not be feeling that way yet!! Thanks for your continued prayers!!

...And then there were 50

So today was back to the lab for a blood draw and then to the office for an ultrasound. The sweet lab tech missed the vein in my arm and ended up drawing out of my hand at my request. Lab draws add 3 more needle pokes. Dr. D said there were 50 plus follicles today and she doesn't think I can take much more, there isn't room for my ovaries to grow much more. I get to trigger tonight. Triggering is exciting because we're moving forward, however with triggering will most likely come bloat and misery. Please pray that by proactively drinking Gatorade and chicken broth I will ward off the OHSS and that God will watch over all involved! :) Yes I'm heavily drinking clear Gatorade (because I'm scared of food coloring) and will soon start on chicken broth, these both work to pull extra fluid out. It seems that I'm essentially trying to dehydrate with out dehydrating myself, that makes complete sense right?!?!?!?!? Read that as the Dr wants me to visit the ladies room often, VERY OFTEN. My retrieval is scheduled for Thursday at 12, I would appreciate prayers then as well. This cycle has been different from past cycles in a lot of ways but I have never before been on quite so many antibiotics. I'm hoping all of the things we're doing differently bring positive results! This Dr has an amazing pregnancy rate and I'm looking forward to adding to her positives! Yesterday I said it looks unlikely we'll get to transfer, that is still probably the case but I know prayer can change everything. So the Dr's plan A is to transfer one healthy embryo, this is different from the past as in the past we have always done 2. It turns out research is showing in partial DQ-Alpha match cases transferring 2 can actually be detrimental, thankful to have that info. If the embryo is a match then the body works extra hard to fight it off or essentially abort it and can end up fighting off the partial or non-match as well. At least that is how I understand it. Additionally I have high natural killer cells which are hopefully being quelled thanks to an Intralipid infusion, this means my body is at higher risk of fighting off the embryo's regardless. Most women have a "switch" in their body that "flips" when they are pregnant so that the body doesn't fight off the foreign object (embryo), mine doesn't flip. I'm excited and positive and yet trying not to get my hopes up too high because I know the heartbreak that can follow. It's hard to not be excited though, I'm still imagining what the nursery will look like and whether the due date will fall on my birthday or not. I feel like the next baby will be a girl and a name is picked, and while we don't have a boy name picked we do have plenty of boy stuff so another boy would be ok too! See it's hard not to be excited and get lost in the excitement.

CD9 -Cycle day 9

Actually I think this is CD8 for me but it's my first day of monitoring. The Dr was confident I would not hyperstimulate...I sat there biting my tongue when she realized I was headed that way and pretty quickly too. There isn't a lot that can be done at this point besides monitoring. Sometimes they have had me "coast" on meds but according to her that doesn't produce great eggs so she would rather push full steam ahead and go for it and risk not transferring than have me coast and have poor egg quality. :( I'm trying not to be upset because I really want to do whatever is going to result in a baby but it's hard not to be somewhat disappointed. Some people are excited to have 1 egg in a cycle, I would venture to guess 5-7 is pretty common, she stopped counting on me at 47ish and said "There are just too many to count." The clinical case manager said "Wow look at that string of pearls" to which I sarcastically replied "If only the rest of me were as classy as my ovaries..." I at least got a chuckle out of both of them.... :) When they told my favorite nurse the results she said "yep, that's my girl." I LOVE her and am so blessed we get to cycle with her. I love our new Dr too! Actually the whole office has been GREAT! Besides the insurance/billing stuff I really don't have any complaints about this office, and honestly it's our fault for not pushing to get more info before we started. So I had several follies that were between 15-20mm. I think only one was 20, and I think she said we want them 20-22. They should increase 2mm/night but we are decreasing meds tonight and hoping for less crazy numbers tomorrow. There are so many unknowns but most definitely I should be having retrieval this week. I definitely have a blood draw and ultrasound in the morning, and will be watched closely. It is definitely not just in my head that I feel bloated, I'm really bloated for sure. I bought my Gatorade today and can't believe I forgot to get chicken broth, both of those help to pull out the extra fluids and will be my best friend over the next week or so. Prayers for the Dr & staff caring for me and for myself would be much appreciated. Our very first cycle the Dr said it was one of the worst cases of Hyperstimulating she had seen, I hope and pray we don't repeat that! Will update again tomorrow!