Medicine delivery, bruises and other randomness

So Wednesday I hung around the house waiting on my meds to arrive. They come by FedEx and some need refrigerated, I didn't HAVE to sign for them but I'm not sure what would happen if something happened to them and they didn't make it to us so I chose to wait around and make sure they made it into my little hands.

As with the whole journey, it's bittersweet, a BFP (BIG FAT POSITIVE) will make it all worth it, but there is so much more than a physical bruise when it doesn't go as planned. This being the 9th time and only 1 successful cycle so far, we know way too much about the "bruises". It's not just "Oh it didn't work.". No the majority of the world doesn't see it as a loss, but to us each failed cycle is a loss, a miscarriage of sorts. Each transfer contains living, breathing embryos, they are growing and dividing when they are implanted, sweet little babies. Sweet babies that my body decides to abort for whatever reason. With each cycle, we mentally prepare to become pregnant. For about 12 weeks all of our decisions about the future must include "well if we're pregnant we'll do X and if not then we'll have to see how I am emotionally." Right now we have 4-5 things that can't be decided on until we know which way the cards are going to fall. I have major anxiety around pregnant people, I realize for those who haven't been here you can't even begin to comprehend, part of blogging this time is to share feelings and to give an insight into this journey. As there are no counselor's covered by our insurance in this area I'm hoping that blogging will also serve as therapy for me. I am a believer in positive visualization and the power it has, so several times a day I visualize being pregnant from the actual being pregnant to my womb being a warm, cuddly place for a baby. It's a part of preparing myself and body. For the last couple of weeks I have taken oral meds both morning and night, this week I'll continue the oral meds but also start shots. Each morning I will give myself a Lupron shot and most likely hot flashes and headaches will begin just as abruptly as the shots. The Metformin has been gentle this time and I'm praying the Lupron will be just as kind. A sweet friend and I were conversing about IVF, this is not always easy for me but I knew she was asking from a strictly educational standpoint and in my efforts to educate, I could answer without being hurt or offended. After several minutes she asked "Why? Why keep putting yourself through it if you know it hurts and you know it depresses?". Honestly it's the only thing I've dreamed of ALL OF MY LIFE. There were times I wanted to be a teacher and times I wanted to be a flight attendant and times I wanted to be a jeweler but the only constant thing I've wanted to do my ENTIRE life is be a mom. Yes, I have Bryer, there is still a longing in my soul to be mommmy to several children. I don't want him to grow up in this lonely world of only childness. Onlies lose out on so many things, so many social skills, TRUST me, I know! I don't want that for my child and I'm willing to exhaust all possibilities to make him a big brother. When we are old I don't want him carrying the burden of taking care of us all by himself. To end with a bit of humor...yep there's even an app for that.

We're on our way...

I mentioned calls had been made right?!?!?! More calls have been made, emails sent and documents printed. More appointments set, ultrasounds scheduled, new doctor visits...1 prescription ended, 3 more started. I had been waiting on a medically induced bleed and once that arrived I started birth control, so that the clinic could take control of my cycle. My head has been killing me the last 2 days and I don't know if it's the weather or the meds but YOWSA!!! I'm now on Dexamethasone, Metformin and Birth control pills. This morning I went for a fluid ultrasound (HSG), according to the Dr. "Things look perfect."...You sense that irony right?!?! Mostly she was looking for polyps, which one time were diagnosed but then not present when we went in for removal, so I'm still not convinced that is what they saw. However I am now tagged with the polyp diagnosis and have to be thoroughly checked (I'm grateful that they check things thoroughly!:) ). It was a great opportunity for us to meet our new medical staff and tour the facilities. Despite them shooting fluid into the uterus to check things out, I was shocked it was absolutely painless! THAT was a VERY pleasant surprise! Our new Dr was extremely gentle, my first impression of her was great! Although this is our 9th cycle and we have been through this before she explained everything she was doing step by step, not in a talking-down-to-you sort of way but just keeping-you-informed. Nerves are always on edge during this process, the emotions involved don't help and then you add in all the hormones, Y-U-C-K!!! It is so nice to have a Dr. that put me at ease. So we're good to go for a couple of weeks. Currently we are waiting on meds to arrive, some of them get to come by FedEx. I'm actually looking forward to my sharps container with sheer delight, as some friends gave me the idea to decorate it and I CAN'T WAIT! Seriously bummed I didn't think of that on my own! Here is my calendar of meds...Isn't it pretty? Sorry it's sideways but you get the idea... PS even though my cycle is being controlled and I should be past bloat, I'm bloated. My ovaries are full of "pearls"/follicles and thanks to the steroids all I want to do is EAT! So I feel full/bloated/fat and yet I'm hungry, I had forgetten this part!

Where we are

So clearly I have done a poor job at keeping this blog up!! Projects got in the way and life got hectic. :) I ended a couple of my direct sell businesses and have started a new venture with my husband, more on that later. Currently we are beginning our 9th IVF cycle. I have vowed to share our journey this time. In the past I have kept them personal and only shared bits and pieces but this time is probably our last cycle and for those who will be entering this journey in the coming months, I want you to know you aren't alone, contact me if you need support- I'll help you the best I can or guide you to the things that have helped me. For the friends and family who are simply curious about In-vitro fertilization, I hope to document it well for you, yes it may get uncomfortable for you. It is what it is and no holds barred this time. E.V.E.R.Y bit will be shared. If vaginas, semen, and penises make you uncomfortable then please do not read any further because these will be blogged about in the future weeks. We're beginning our 9th cycle. It's bittersweet. If this doesn't work it is the last retrieval insurance will cover, due to the Illinois Mandate. There is a lot riding on every cycle but this one has additional emotions tied to it. This is the cycle that if it completely fails we move on to adoption, if it partly works we stay in limbo for a few more months until we can do a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) and possibly a few more months if that one fails and we still have frozen embies, and if it works we end up pregnant and I hold my breath for the next 9 almost 10 months and pray like the Dicken's that it isn't nearly as traumatic as my first IVF miracle's was. Yes there is a lot riding on this cycle, emotions will run higher than normal. So what's going on at this point? Well a decision was made, a call was placed, a meeting was scheduled. 13 vials of blood have been drawn, and results V.E.R.Y s.l.o.w.l.y. trickled in only to find out we missed 3 so back to the hospital I go this week. More calls were scheduled, documents sent, appointments scheduled, a notary found, at some point this week docs will be signed and notarized (wow I REALLY miss my friend & former boss when it comes to Notarizing!), more blood will be drawn, and more tests run. 1 prescription has been started and finished, 2 more are on the counter waiting on dawn to be started. A call will be placed to our former clinic regarding getting our frozen semen couriered from them to the new clinic and a call to the Urologist to schedule Tony's Tese, (a biopsy gun is used to extract semen, I've been told it's comparable to a vasectomy, he has this each time I have a retrieval). I'm waiting on Aunt Flo to arrive in order to proceed with treatment. She is a much anticipated and welcome visitor around here during IVF cycles. She's great at staying away unless called upon, this is a blessing and a curse!! Did I mention calls had been placed? There are always quite a few calls and emails but we are starting with a new clinic 3 hours away which means extra phone calls. After our move I spent HOURS contemplating what to do as far as clinics were concerned. I knew we only had one retrieval left and I had reservations about our former clinic, please do not take this as me slamming them or speaking negatively of them, I just wasn't sure it was where I wanted my last cycle and being comfortable with and trusting your team is half of the battle. One particularly hard night (there are more of these than I care to count) , in the middle of the night , I was perusing message boards and stumbled upon the fact that our FAVORITE reproductive nurse had been moved to the clinic I was contemplating. There was no more question in my mind what we were going to do or where we were going. I haven't done a cycle without her and the thought of going through one without her terrified me.!. I always know I can count on her, whether it's just knowing she's there, the pharmacy has screwed up meds or the fridge in our hotel room has frozen my meds, she is ALWAYS there, it really means the world to me to be able to count on my medical team. I loved the staff at our former office and will miss them immensely but I know we're going where we're suppose to be and I'm excited about the change. Texts have been sent to secure care for B while I'm receiving treatment. I started looking into this last July once we were somewhat settled into our house, for various reasons Tony has held off, I'm not blaming him he had valid reasons but each month I've slipped a little farther into a depression, I'm ready to move on with life one way or another, waiting and waiting and waiting has been extremely tough. It has drawn out feelings and emotions that need to be processed but can't fully be processed until we are finished with IVF. This journey has been long, 6 years long. An end is in sight and for that I am grateful! We covet any prayers or good thoughts you wish to send our way! I'll update more when there is more to share. Until next time.... Jen