Medicine delivery, bruises and other randomness

So Wednesday I hung around the house waiting on my meds to arrive. They come by FedEx and some need refrigerated, I didn't HAVE to sign for them but I'm not sure what would happen if something happened to them and they didn't make it to us so I chose to wait around and make sure they made it into my little hands.

As with the whole journey, it's bittersweet, a BFP (BIG FAT POSITIVE) will make it all worth it, but there is so much more than a physical bruise when it doesn't go as planned. This being the 9th time and only 1 successful cycle so far, we know way too much about the "bruises". It's not just "Oh it didn't work.". No the majority of the world doesn't see it as a loss, but to us each failed cycle is a loss, a miscarriage of sorts. Each transfer contains living, breathing embryos, they are growing and dividing when they are implanted, sweet little babies. Sweet babies that my body decides to abort for whatever reason. With each cycle, we mentally prepare to become pregnant. For about 12 weeks all of our decisions about the future must include "well if we're pregnant we'll do X and if not then we'll have to see how I am emotionally." Right now we have 4-5 things that can't be decided on until we know which way the cards are going to fall. I have major anxiety around pregnant people, I realize for those who haven't been here you can't even begin to comprehend, part of blogging this time is to share feelings and to give an insight into this journey. As there are no counselor's covered by our insurance in this area I'm hoping that blogging will also serve as therapy for me. I am a believer in positive visualization and the power it has, so several times a day I visualize being pregnant from the actual being pregnant to my womb being a warm, cuddly place for a baby. It's a part of preparing myself and body. For the last couple of weeks I have taken oral meds both morning and night, this week I'll continue the oral meds but also start shots. Each morning I will give myself a Lupron shot and most likely hot flashes and headaches will begin just as abruptly as the shots. The Metformin has been gentle this time and I'm praying the Lupron will be just as kind. A sweet friend and I were conversing about IVF, this is not always easy for me but I knew she was asking from a strictly educational standpoint and in my efforts to educate, I could answer without being hurt or offended. After several minutes she asked "Why? Why keep putting yourself through it if you know it hurts and you know it depresses?". Honestly it's the only thing I've dreamed of ALL OF MY LIFE. There were times I wanted to be a teacher and times I wanted to be a flight attendant and times I wanted to be a jeweler but the only constant thing I've wanted to do my ENTIRE life is be a mom. Yes, I have Bryer, there is still a longing in my soul to be mommmy to several children. I don't want him to grow up in this lonely world of only childness. Onlies lose out on so many things, so many social skills, TRUST me, I know! I don't want that for my child and I'm willing to exhaust all possibilities to make him a big brother. When we are old I don't want him carrying the burden of taking care of us all by himself. To end with a bit of humor...yep there's even an app for that.